I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
