My friends, they love my intelligence
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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