Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
