I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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