Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
how drunk are you?
Several
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
