he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
