Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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