I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
