My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize