no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
