my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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