There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
