what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Randomize
