Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
