If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i already hear my dad disowning me
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
