pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
