I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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