hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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