Having a random hookup so left but love u
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
How's work?
Spinning.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
