I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize