Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
