Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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