Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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