that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
