Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
