I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
