I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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