party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
