I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
