I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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