i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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