When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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