If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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