the condom got lost in my hair
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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