you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
