new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
