Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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