im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
