I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
