You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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