I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
