she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
