I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
