I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
