Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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