the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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