I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
