I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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