I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize