Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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