Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
