I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
