I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
