meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
