While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
