Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
