Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
