He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
