omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
